


Promiscuous Boy

by Anonymous



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Blood, CONNOR CAMS WITH HIMSELF, Camming, Chatting & Messaging, Childhood Friends, College AU, Connor Deserves Happiness, Connor doesn’t feel too good, Connor has asthma, Connor is sad, Crying, Cutting, FOR NOW-, Forgive me daddy for I have been naughty, HANK IS NOT HIS DAD SHUT UP WE AREN’T STARTING THAT, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Kfc is good, Loss of Parents, M/M, Masturbation, Mental Illnesses, Mentally ill connor, NSFW, North is a sweetie, Poor Connor, Porn, Sad Connor, Scratching, Self Harm, Self-Harm, Smut, Suicide Attempt, Tears, Therapy, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, alcohol problem, avoidant, connor has glasses, disgust, gavin wants connor, hurt Connor, im sorry con, jerry radiates big joy energy, mental health, north and connor are bffs, north and connor bff, paying, porn boy, unknown crushes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-08
Updated: 2018-11-04
Packaged: 2019-07-28 01:17:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16231190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: It all started with one video.But then the money came rolling in.Connor, a college student, who does a bit of camming to the side and is also battling with his inner demons, himself.Sometimes the disgust is too much.Sometimes, you’d rather take the easy way out.[trigger warning]





	1. Disgust

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to write camboy Connor but what the hell did I yeet to the deep end for??? Anyways enjoy. 
> 
> my social media  
> ig: vanillaxbeann  
> tumblr: vanillaxbeann
> 
> wow I love angst.

When Connor first began camming, it had been merely a side job, he hadn’t been very serious about it, just that the extra money had been very nice for his student loans.

Of course, he had been awfully skeptical at first but he decided that unless you try it, you can’t judge. And you only live once!

So he was surprised when results came through.

He had gotten an awful lot of money for it, about $500 each week, averaging $100 for each cam session he did on camera.

Really, it was out of pure curiosity, Connor knew he was attractive, hell, he knew many people fancied him.

He surprisingly didn’t participate in sex during him camming sessions and instead dressed up, played to people’s fantasies, using toys, making extremely lewd faces for the camera’s viewing pleasure.

And he certainly didn’t expect to be a pretty popular streamer, surprisingly, averaging a couple hundred people on each of his videos.

“Hey, guys.” He hits the camera button and it blinks before turning on and he warmly smiles into the camera.

“What would you guys like me to do, today?” Connor asks, shifting uncomfortable in the his stockings and lacy black corset as he teases the camera.

“Highest donator gets to pick of course!” Connor smiles sweetly, throwing a wink into the camera as he spreads his legs for the camera to see, wriggling his ass at the right angles.

_“Daddy kink? And use one of your damn toys” $15_

_“Deepthroat your favorite toy?”_

_$26_

_“Masturbate, without any the toys, just your hand and moan my name LOUD.” $140_

“Highest bidder is...” Connor squints, reading the name displayed on the screen before speaking aloud, “It’s... tightassbabesreed, thank you for the donation, baby.” he speaks, cutely into the cam as he spreads his legs in front of the cam.

“What’s your name, baby?” Connor speaks into the camera and pulls himself up, moaning at the contact of his hand on grazing his soft dick, gently caressing it for his viewers to see.

**_“Gavin.”_ **

“Thank you sooo much, Gavin.” Connor moans out, pulling his dick out of the laced garment for his viewers to see, “This is just for you.” he fists his cock in his hand, growing harder from each touch and his cheeks flushing red as he moans out, “Gavin... thank you so much.”

“I’m going to be a good boy for you, okay?” Connor sticks his tongue out, salivating at the thought of sucking anybody’s cock, just something to fill his mouth as he continues to pump himself, the head of his cock gettin swollen as time passed.

_“That’s so fucking hot.”_

_“So adorable...”_

_“I bet he wishes he could cum right now.”_

_“Desperate slut.”_

_“At least he’s cute.”_

_“So gorgeous.”_

_“Fuck I got a stiffy.”_

_$5 $2 $4 $1 $7 $10 $5_

“Gavin, when should I come?” Connor asks, shivering as he runs his thumb over the tip, thrusting inside of his hand, with no shame.

“I’ll be a good boy, I’ll be your good boy... just... please let me cum, daddy.” Connor moans into the cam, precum oozing in his hand as he begs for release.

_“Come on, Gavin.”_

_“Let the boy cum, you sick fuck.”_

_“Are you really gonna hold out on him like this?”_

_“Let him cum.”_

_“You’re telling me that you ain’t letting that cute face orgasm, Gavin?”_

_“Damn, high quality fap material here.”_

_“Cumslut!”_

_$3 $1 $3 $9 $3 $1 $2 $2_

Connor could feel himself almost cum into his hand as he shakes his hand off himself, as desperate as he was to jerk off.

“Gavin, please.” Connor begs exposing his full length into the camera’s view, his cock twitching from excitement.

“You can cum.” The comment on Connor’s screen pops up andhe’s thankful as he doesn’t waste his time, spilling his sticky release into his hand and waving it up to the camera to see.

_“Thank you so much, daddy.” ♡_

Connor moans out, before licking his own cum off his hand, before turning craning himself towards the camera.

“Thank you so much for the donations, guys. I’ll post on social media when the next stream will be~” and with that, Connor had cut off the camera, pleased with the amount of money he had managed to receive for about a half hour of camming.

**_$215_ **

**_Ahhh, thanks so much to Gavin’s generous donation._ **

Connor clicks on Gavin’s profile, obviously nothing appeared except for the username and the message button.

 **tightassbabesreed**

[message] •

Might as well thank him. ♡

Connor messaged him, thanking him for the generous donation and the good time he had on the camera.

_“Of course, it’s the least I could do. You just looked so incredibly fuckable, creamy white thighs and such a pretty innocent face. I couldn’t resist donating for that.”_

Connor smiles at the obscene message, the feeling of guilt passing through his gut, he always felt like this every damn time that he had recorded.

_It was the disgust after it happened._

_How wrong it was._

_It didn’t matter, though._

_He had earned that money fair and square and there was no arguing about that._

_Just... different me_ thods than others.

_“thank you so much.”_

Connor quickly messaged back before shutting off his laptop, and slipping out of his laced garments as he puts on a hoodie, sliding on his hoodie and boxers as he strolled around his small apartment room, taking his contacts out of his eyes in the bathroom mirror.

The tiny curved plastic lens which separated him from school life, in all honesty, he didn’t appear that different while wearing glasses but it was better idea to play it safe than be sorry.

After taking out his contact lenses, Connor finally plops himself onto his warm comfortable bed and began drifting into a deep sleep.

* * *

 

It was risky, being a camboy while still attending school classes but it had helped him out, financially, so who was he to turn away short hours of “work” and good money for it?

_It was just his body after all._

_Not that big of a sacrifice._

It’s not like he was actually having sex anyways, he was just pleasing others and himself.

He wakes up, from the blaring of his phone alarm and he quickly finds it, turning it off as he turned over, trying to sleep before giving into his obligations to wake up.

“Fucking hell.” He groans as he gets out of bed, peaks of sun shining through the window blinds as he grabs his glasses from the bedside table and puts them over his nose. He then maneuvered himself over to his bathroom, taking out his toothbrush and toothpaste, and quietly brushing his teeth, his eyes barely kept open as he blinks tiredly.

_I wonder if I’d get more money if I brought a costar to film with me._

The thought passes his mind, rather uncomfortably and he tries to get rid of it but it stays in there.

He spits into the sink, rinsing his mouth and using a facial cleanser on his face before stripping down and stepping into the shower, placing his black rimmed glasses on the bathroom counter and scrubbing himself all over, washing his sins away.

_I wish I could._

Honestly, he was ashamed that he let the money get the better of him, dumping his modesty just to get that extra cash.

Connor runs his hands through his hair, pushing the shampoo into his brown locks and sighing loudly as the water poured down onto him.

_tap. tap. tap._

He scratches his skin, digging his nails inside, until he winces from the pain and draws his hand away from his arm.

_Stop doing that._

_You won’t be clean._

The soap suds fall down his naked body and he sighs as he turns the faucet off and faces another day of hell at college, wrapping a towel around his lower half after drying his body.

Connor runs his hands through his hair as he walks out the bathroom doors, clutching his glasses in his hand before heading to the closet door to pick out a hoodie and tight jeans. His usual fit.

“My absolute favorite,” Connor smiles as his hands ghost over the red hoodie with the bold words popping out as “Detroit Gears” before pulling it off the hanger and slipping it onto his body, the warmth clinging to his slightly damp body.

“And now for jeans...” he speaks quietly as he pulls black denim cut ones off a hanger as well and picking up a pair of clean boxers, sliding them up his ass before shifting himself into his jeans.

* _ **bzzt**_ *

Connor’s phone vibrates and he turns around, plopping his glasses clumsily onto the bridge of his nose before fishing his phone from the messy bedsheets.

 _“When do you think you’ll be camming, again?”_ Gavin asks, of course he does.

“I’m not sure, maybe in a few days, I’ll be busy hanging out with friends and school for the next days so yeah. ♡” Connor messages back, the disgust rising back up again and he logs out of the porn messenger app, sticking his phone into his pocket as he rushes to the kitchen.

_It’s quiet._

_He’s alone._

_He remembers._

_That’s always the difficult part of living alone._

_The solitude._

_The presence of nobody._

_Coming back to no one._

He pushes his thoughts away, trying not to let them ruin his mood as he grabs leftover pizza from the fridge and heats it up for about a minute, then pops it out and the warmth of cheese and bread fills his mouth.

He savors the taste and feeling.

He wishes it had been something else.

And the disgust fills his throat once again as he tries not to gag up his meal.

_He wishes he wasn’t so dirty._

“I miss you mom and dad.” he speaks softly into the air, but no one can hear him and he sniffles back a small cry, holding back his pained tears.

“If you saw your son like this, do you think you could be proud of him?” Connor whispers into the air, tears finally trickling down his face before ranting his thoughts aloud, even though no one could hear him.

“I’m going to school like you wanted me to! But would you be proud of how I’m affording it?” Connor buries his head in his hands and bitter angry tears flowed down his cheeks and he wanted to scream.

_Loudly._

_Very loudly._

His breathes grow ragged and his eyes are getting puffy, he attempts to compose himself before just sobbing even harder.

He buries his face in his hoodie, hoping for the pain to escape his body.

_It never does._

_It never will._

“It’s not the same without you, guys.” Connor speaks, softly, feeling his heart twinge with pain as he says this.

* * *

“Connor, are you feeling okay? You kinda seem to be out of it, today.” Jerry asks with a cheerful smile as he glances over at Connor’s exhausted face.

“Not really... as you said, I’m just... out of it, today. I wasn’t feeling all too good earlier.” Connor admits the slight truth and Jerry softens before giving him a pat on the back, comforting him.

“Well, I hope you feel better soon. How about I get you some free food after this class ends?!” Jerry exclaims and Connor smiles slightly at the other’s attempt to cheer him up.

“That would be great... thank you so much, Jerry.” Connor makes sure to show his gratitude and appreciation towards Jerry before the other retreats back to his seat as the professor returns, carrying the proper materials to conduct the lesson.

* * *

_"What do you wanna get, Con?”_

_“I want cupcakes dad! And do you think we can maybeeeee get some fries, mom?”_

“What do you wanna get Con?”

Jerry asks, again and Connor snaps his thoughts away from the distant memory in his mind as he sighs, before speaking to Jerry outside of the college campus.

“I’m sorry, I’m just having a bad day today. Wherever is fine, I appreciate the effort to cheer me up.” Connor speaks, trying his best to express himself to Jerry who smiles back at him, before saying something optimistic towards him.

“Connor, it’s okay if you’re not feeling as fine as you’d like to be. I know it’s hard to cope with loss.” Jerry places his hand on Connor’s heart with an adorable small smile before speaking up again, “but everyday is a new day for new opportunities, don’t let this bring you down. I know you’re strong.”

“How did you-?” Connor asks, he knew he had never told Jerry about his loss, so how could he have found out?

“North told me what she thought it was possibly was, but she only wanted to make sure you were okay as well.” Jerry speaks, softly, trying his best not to anger Connor by his discovery.

“Of course she did. What’s new.” Connor spoke, annoyed but touched by Jerry’s kind words and gestures.

“There’s going to come a point where you’re going to feel better, Connor. Maybe, not now, maybe not soon, but eventually.” Jerry pulls on Connor’s arm, leading him into his car as they sped on the highways of Detroit to the nearest KFC.

**_Fried chicken always cheers Connor up._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY JUST TO. CLARIFY.  
> HANK IS NOT HIS DAD!  
> maybe daddy  
> wait—  
> no uhm-
> 
> yeah so hank isn’t his dad!  
> And also. JERRY RADIATES BIG HAPPY ENERGY AND I LOVE HIM OMGOMGOMGPMG.
> 
> why did I fuck Connor’s emotions over omg oops. 
> 
> my finger slipped.


	2. Excruciating

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You’re cutting.” she speaks, sternly and Connor doesn’t even try to come up with a reason, he just watches as she runs her fingers over the marks, causing him to wince.
> 
> He doesn’t speak up, and North just goes onto comforting him with small scolds here and there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really like north as a bff.
> 
> <3 north appreciation for years.
> 
> Anyways sorry Connor.

“You’re such a bundle of joy, I’m so glad to have met you.” Connor starts, as Jerry pulled into the parking lot, turning the car into park mode before responding to Connor.

“I’m glad I met you, too.” Jerry smiles back at him as they exited the car, and walked together to the KFC.

“You always know how to cheer me up, it’s incredible.” Connor continues and Jerry nods with a shy smile on his face as they pushed through the front doors, the bell chiming as they walked inside and to the cashier.

“We’ll get the $20 fill up.” Jerry announces, pulling out his wallet and Connor feels bad, as he quickly intervenes.

“Jerry, I can pay it if you want, you really don’t have to-“ Connor says quickly and Kerry waves him off as he pulls the money and places it on the counter, “Nonsense, Connor. Just find us a place to sit.”

And so Connor does, because Jerry requested him to, so he wanders around the food joint until he finds and empty table, sitting down as he waits for Jerry.

“Doesn’t he kinda look familiar?” whispers, whispers, Connor’s probably overthinking it like he always has, he shuffles nervously as he awaits for Jerry.

“Yeah, like that one popular camboy...” another whisper and Connor tightens his jaw as he awaits for Jerry, and takes out his phone, scrolling through his Instagram feed just to distract himself for a little bit.

_From their voices._

_Their whispers._

_Distract me._

_Please._

_Please._

_Please._

“Nah, must be somebody related to him, I don’t remember the cute boy having glasses or being so covered up like a goddamn prude.” The voice behind him laughs and he shifts again, hoping that Jerry would come soon enough.

And Jerry did.

Jerry had came over soon enough with a delicious smelling 8-pc chicken bucket and setting it down on the table as he smiled down at Connor. “Finally got it, sorry I had to take a phone call.”

“Dig in.” Jerry gestures and Connor complies, gingerly sucking on the chicken and biting into the soft meat, practically melting into his mouth.

“There’s gravy too.” Jerry produces the mashed potato container and places it near Connor who only smiles with a mouth full of food as he nods, biting into the chicken once again.

* * *

 

“You have another class at 10 right? Do you want me to drop you off at your apartment or would you rather wait?” Jerry asks and Connor quickly mumbles his answer, “College.”

“Alright, that’s fine by me. Courtyard or the back entrance?” Jerry asks as he steers the steers in the campus’s direction and Conor quietly says, “Back entrance.”

* * *

 

“Connor, why are you ignoring me?” North asks as she leans back into the wall and meeting Connor’s gaze, piercing through her.

“I think you would know why. It’s not any of your business going around and tell people my personal shit, is it?” Connor spat, harshly and frustrated, heartbroken and torn, before casting his gaze away from her as she tries to mumble out her apology.

“Connor... I... Jerry, Jerry has been so friendly with you for so long, I just thought, I thought he could know, you know?” North says, obviously torn from her decision making as well, she tries to explain why she did it.

“I know, I know he’s concerned, just... as one of closest friends... North, it’s what happened to me, if I wanted to let Jerry know, I would have told him myself.” Connor speaks slowly, letting the words out of his mouth.

“The thing is that you’re not willing to seek help, Connor. I want you to get better! I want you to feel better about yourself...” North speaks, and Connor knows she’s right and that just makes him sigh as he admits into it.

”And you’re right. But it’s my secret, please don’t tell anyone else.” Connor begs her and she, she obliges into his demand.

“Fine, Con. I hear you, I hear you loud and clear. I won’t do it again, I’m sorry.” North speaks before shifting and changing the subject.

“There’s a party later tonight with the Jerichoes gang, think you can make it?” North asks, and Connor feels his heart thump in his chest loudly as he rejects, “No.” the invitation.

“Are you really gonna keep yourself all cooped up in your apartment?” North asks and Connor slowly nods which makes North sigh, loudly.

“Connor, I’m skipping it. I’d rather not go if it means that my best friend is alone with his grief.” North speaks quietly, in her soothing voice and Connor just takes the words, letting them sink in to his crippling self esteem.

“I’ll be over your place at 6, alright? We’ll have a party together.”

“Thank you, North.”

* * *

"It’s been a while since we hung out...” North speaks, chilling on the couch with loads of junk food as she waits for Connor to change before they binge watched a show.

“Yeah, it has. How’s everything been?” Connor changes into a pair of short sweats and a t-shirt as he seats himself down next to North.

“It’s been great —“ North silences herself when her gaze shifts to Connor’s arms, eyeing the marks on then suspiciously before speaking and moving her hands onto his arms, causing him to flinch.

“You’re cutting.” she speaks, sternly and Connor doesn’t even try to come up with a reason, he just watches as she runs her fingers over the marks, causing him to wince.

He doesn’t speak up, and North just goes onto comforting him with small scolds here and there.

“Connor, you need to stop. I know it hurts, please talk to us, don’t keep it bottled up.” North lets go of both his arms before meeting his troubled gaze, pent-up tears sliding down his cheeks.

“It hurts.”

* * *

_“It hurts.” Connor coughs, wheezing as he tries to not go into an asthmatic attack in front of his gym teacher as he tries to catch his breath._

_“You’re over exaggerating, hurry up and run the mile.” They don’t care, and he tries to steady his breathing as he runs around the track._

_He coughs, hard, and he feels as if the world is flickering around him, his airways too tight, and he struggled to breathe._

_“Connor, what’s wrong?”North catches up, noticing that he had gone into an asthmatic attack, and panicking as she tried to get the teacher’s attention and Connor passed out from lack of oxygen._

* * *

_"He has asthma, do you know understanding that it’s life threatening if you force him to run the mile?!” His father is furious and yells at the gym teacher, Connor slowly opens his eyes, noting that he was in the school’s health office._

_“Your son is fine, he was over exaggerating and faking it anyways.” The gym teacher says and Connor knows better than that._

_The pain isn’t fake._

* * *

“I know it does.” North pulls him into a small hug, holding him tightly as he sobbed into her arms, spilling out the coped feelings.

“It hurts, North. So badly.” Connor lets himself depend on North, his best friend since they had been toddlers.

“I know. Just promise me you won’t do it again.” She squeezes him tightly.

“I... I’ll try.” Connor can’t promise, he just knows that he’ll have to be more careful around North.

_To not upset her again._

_To not disappoint her._

“As long as you’re doing your best, that’s all I ask.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh. Man.


	3. Troubled

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor's thoughts get more troubling as time goes on, it's only a matter of time before he breaks apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Talk with me :)  
> @vanillaxbeann (instagram)
> 
> Man, I... What's going on, guys? this was supposed to be smutty.
> 
> This... took a turn for the worst,,,

“Connor, you should stop drinking...” North speaks quietly as she watches Connor chug down another shot, getting drunker by every minute that passes.  
  
“Let me wash this pain away.” Connor says, his gaze dropping down to the shot glass before shifting his glance upwards towards her.  
  
“Why do you stick around?” Connor speaks, quietly, his tone broken as he spoke, trying to hold back the shitty feelings arising back inside of him again.  
  
“You’re my best friend. Nothing will ever change that.” North speaks, quietly, making a move to grab the shot glass away from him.  
  
“Come on. Let’s get you to bed. It’s been a tough night.” North speaks, rising from her seat and grasped Connor’s body as she took him to his room.  
  
“North... I’m so tired...” Connor speaks, his voice cracking, as h tries to grasp onto her as she throws him down onto the bed.  
  
“I’m sorry.” North speaks, softly, watching as Connor’s expression had fallen.  
  
“Why was it them? Why, not me?” Connor asks, desperately, his facial expression twisting in pain. “What did they do wrong, it should have been me...”  
  
“They did nothing wrong. It wasn’t your fault, Connor.” North tries to soothe him which only makes him break out in tears, before he speaks, quietly.  
  
“They’d be disgusted with me, North. I know they would be.” he whispers these words, and North is torn, watching her best friend destroy himself slowly.  
  
“Connor! They would never. They loved you. They loved you so much.” North does her best, but it doesn’t do much for the wide open gap in Connor’s heart as he spoke again.  
  
“I wanted them to live.” He chokes out, his gaze focused only on North.  
  
“Why didn’t they?!” Connor yells, thrashing in the sheets and North distances herself a few feet away, watching Connor, feeling herself torn as well from his parents’ death.  
  
“Connor, listen.” North speaks, softly, taking a step closer, as he finally calms down slightly.  
  
“It wasn’t your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevented the incident from happening. You know this, we both know this.”  
  
_Nothing you could do._

* * *

  
He woke up, his head pounding, and he sits up on his bed, glancing around his surroundings.  
  
_Home._  
_No, not quite._  
_Not without them._  
  
He leans into the wall for support as he walked slowly down the hallway, his gaze shifting around and landing on the note that was left on the counter.  
  
_“Have a good day at school, honey.”_  
  
_Mom?_  
_No, he must be mistaken._  
_He glances at the note again._  
  
_**“I hope you’re feeling better. I bought some sweets in the morning for you.”** _  
  
He sighs, ripping the note into shreds and letting a single tear run down his cheek.  
  
“Alright.”

* * *

“You’ve decided to pick up your therapy sessions with me, again. May I ask why?”  
  
_“I’m having trouble again.”_  
  
“You’re coping badly, I assume?”  
  
_“I can’t stop thinking about them.”_  
  
“Is there something that is triggering you to think about them?”  
  
_“I miss them.”_  
  
“It will take time but please don’t keep your feelings bottled up, Connor. And don’t harm yourself as a coping mechanism.”  
  
_“I keep thinking it was my fault.”_  
  
“Don’t blame yourself.”  
  
“ _I can’t stop thinking about how they looked on the hospital bed. When the car crashed...”_  
  
“Connor, take some deep breaths. Stay with me. Tell me, what’s going on inside that head of yours?”  
  
_“Everything. I don’t know what’s making these feelings come back. I’m just so... unhappy.”_  
  
“Explain further.”  
  
_“I... I feel disgusted with myself.”_  
  
“Is there a reason for that?”  
  
_“I’ve been making money in... unsuitable ways.”_  
  
“Go on.”  
  
_“I can’t stop thinking about how disappointed they would be.”_  
  
“Connor, they loved you.”  
  
_“Everyone says that. But how can I believe it when it’s from their mouth and not my own parents?”_  
  
“Connor, they wouldn’t have wanted you to grieve like this. They wouldn’t want them to be the reason that you’re in constant pain.”  
  
“I can’t forget what happened that night.”  
  
“I know, Connor.”

* * *

  
“Connor’s been off lately.” Simon speaks up, with the Jerichoes gang.  
  
“I know.” North’s tone is cutting, sharp as a knife, which breaks through Simon’s comment instantly.  
  
“You’re his best friend, any thoughts on why?” Markus speaks up, softly, trying not to aggravate North, whose closed up about the topic.  
  
She sighs, hesitant.  
  
“He’s... been dealing with some... issues, you might say. It’s... personal.” North is vague with her answer but that slightly satisfies everyone, just to know a little.  
  
“I’ve never seen him in such a bad mood, skipping classes... can’t we comfort him?” Josh pipes up and North shakes her head, knowing Connor the absolute best out of all of them.  
  
“Let’s surprise him. I have a spare key to his apartment and  we can surprise him in the morning and comfort him all day long.”  
  
“That sounds like a plan to me.” Markus agrees and they make plans to break into Connor’s house on Sunday.  
———  
“I won’t bite, I promise.” The man reassured him and Connor shakes his head to the side, firmly saying no this time.  
  
“If I’m not interested, stop and get someone that will actually go with you.” he sighs and the man scoffs in his face.  
  
“Oh, I get it. You’re one of those playing hard to get types. What a turn off.” The man scoffs and walks away from Connor who sighs in relief, walking up to the counter once again to order another strong shot of alcohol at his favorite bar.  
  
“Connor.” A gruff voice speaks, and he’s frozen in place as he turns around, fear coursing through his veins.  
  
No, no, no.  
Oh, why him of all the people...  
  
“You’re illegally drinking.” The stern voice coughs and and he stays still, not budging an inch, tense and nervous as the man touches his shoulder.  
  
“Explain.”  
  
“Professor Anderson, it’s...” Connor meets face to face with the older man and sighs, knowing that he couldn’t talk his way out of this one for sure.  
  
“I’m... stressed.”  
  
The professor softens, pulling Connor away into a secluded corner of the bar, near an empty table before sitting him down.  
  
“Kid, what’s wrong? Everyone’s noticed you’ve been in a slump lately and been skipping classes...” the older man spoke quietly and Connor speaks, his voice hoarse.  
  
“I... my feelings are just a little loose... that’s all.” Connor doesn’t go into detail, and sighs, his gaze drifting away.  
  
“Bullshit.” Connor’s surprised as he hears his professor cuss in front of him, his gaze focusing on the older man almost immediately.  
  
“Something’s obviously wrong, it has to be something more than just that.” Professor speaks and Connor nods, silently, before his pained brown eyes met those dark earnest blue ones.  
  
Then his walls came crashing down.  
  
“Please don’t tell the university, Professor. I don’t want to get in trouble.” Connor chokes out, his voice cracking up in certain places.  
  
_“Of course not, but tell me what’s on your mind.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stay safe.
> 
> Remember there are resources online and irl to speak to.
> 
> Guys, please remember to leave kudos if you haven't! I appreciate the little likes.  
> Also comment???? I usually get comments and it makes me feel iffy when I don't get any for this particular experimental fanfic.


	4. Make Me Forget

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor finds himself spiraling deeper and deeper into his grief.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> enjoy

“... I... it was May 28, two years ago.” he speaks slowly, choosing his words carefully and he struggled to tell his professor.

“It was... there... there had been a drunk driver.” Connor speaks quietly, and Hank widens his eyes, knowing exactly where this story had been going.

“At night...” his breathing grows harder, and he struggles to speak, at a loss for words as a hand pats him, comfortingly.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to tell me.” Hank says, trying not to force the story out of him.

“You need to understand.” he exhales, continuing on with his story.

“I was being picked up from a friend’s party and we had been turning the street...” he began to shake, remembering the vivid memory, hurting him so badly.

“The driver hit us.” he hated these words, he hated the fucking driver who had costed the life of his parents.

“I was sitting in the back, middle seat. I always had an odd preference to do so...” Connor trails off, the sound of the crash taunting his ears, his thoughts overwhelming him.

“He hit us, my parents took the majority of the impact, the seats had kicked back, they shielded me...” Connor says, the hole in his heart expanding, bigger than ever.

“If I hadn’t been in the middle seat, I would have _died_.”

He tenses, panic taking over his body and he feels everything from that exact moment.

_**Their screams.** _

_**The blood.** _

_**The glass shards.** _

A single tear escapes his left eye, and he blinks trying to continue the story despite being upset about the circumstance.

“They told me to get out immediately. A fire had begun and their bodies has been too injured to get out.” 

_“I wanted to help.”_

_“I couldn’t.”_

_“I was powerless.”_

Connor had began to grow gradually more upset, feeling the hole tear, crying uncontrollably as he confided in the older man.

“I escaped... nearly. I watched as the car had exploded. Their bodies, that asshole... he had also died.” his tone shifts, obvious hurt had been conveyed through it.

“I had been 18 at the time, I had taken a break from school, had weekly sessions with a therapist for about a year. I was traumatized, I didn’t want to remember. And I still feel like that. I can’t get over it.”

“I can’t get over the past.”

“So I cope like this, unhealthily, because I want to join them too. It should have been all of us.” Connor gestures towards the bar, alcohol lingering throughout the air. 

“And... that’s about it.” Connor speaks, staring down at himself as the last difficult words pushed past his lips.

“Kid, I... I’m so incredibly sorry for these circumstances you’ve been put under.” Hank speaks, his voice tender and warm, and Connor feels the words stir something inside of him, just slightly but he doesn’t change his expression one bit.

“I... just, I don’t get how to move on. Everyone does it so damn easily, and here I am... I struggled and I still do.” Connor speaks, fumbling around with his hands, nervously and fidgeting.

“It’s going to take time, of course. But you need to accept that you couldn’t have changed it.” Hank says, trying his best.

“I could have.”

“No, Connor. You couldn’t have. Please, you still have this whole damn future ahead of you. It’s alright to grieve, of course. Hell, it will take a long time but you need to not let this hold you back. It’s just... you have to accept these things... as much as you hate it.” Hank gestures with his hands and Connor nods, solemnly.

“I know that. I know that.” Connor repeats himself, twice, before continuing on the conversation once again, “but you won’t tell the university? For sure, right?” he asks, earnestly and Hank nods, patting him on the back.

“I won’t, you have my absolute word. I would never do that to you, kiddo.”

* * *

 

He needs money, so he does the very thing that makes him feel bad, again and again.

Disgusted.

He turns his camera on, flashing his pearly whites as the viewers began to pop inside of his stream, waiting for his fans to drop inside as he nervously fidgets around in his seat.

His warm brown eyes flicker down to the text on his screen, glancing at the lewd comments overflowing and he sighs, peering into the camera before winking.

“Apologies for being absent on Monday.” Connor says, backing slowly away after adjusting his mic.

“On the other hand, how have you guys been? I’ve been such a horndog lately.” he speaks, watching the comments flood over his screen as he murmurs aloud, reading one.

“Awww, sucks to be you, melonbbb. It’s be a few years since your last fuck?” Connor speaks, his voice deep, and he sighs into camera, before tilting his head, smiling cutely.

“It’s been a few weeks for me. Must be unfortunate.” he licks his lips, making sure the camera caught his glistening lips.

“You guys want me to talk about my last fuck?” he asks the camera, shifting his hips as he attempted to hide his obvious arousal about the topic.

His viewers spammed multiple “yes” into the chat and he grinned, smiling as the attention had been directed towards him.

“It was good, y’know? Hella kinky, not that I ever have minded that at all.” He gestures down towards his body before piping up again, describing the incredible fuck he had gotten a few weeks prior to the current events.

“So, we met a gay club, my usual scene, and he was like, total dom material.” He speaks, his eyes sparkling with interest as he continued on.

“And he put a spider gag on my mouth! Right fucking here!” He gestures towards his mouth, sticking out his tongue, swirling it around, as if he was licking off cum.

Connor feels ashamed disclosing this private information but he doesn’t mind the donations that flood in for his interesting story.

“In case you don’t understand what spider gags are, it’s a gag that opens your mouth wide open and makes you salivate, perfect for a blow job.” he smiles, grinning flirtatiously at the camera.

“Anyways, that guy, he’s just so damn good big... so he lowers himself into my extremely wet mouth, and my saliva trickles down onto his balls and my chest as I began suck him off...” God, it had been a good fuck, hadn’t it? So good...

It wasn’t everyday, that Connor got fucked until he felt powerless and just another hole to use, he loved that, loved it a whole lot.

_It reminded him of what he was._

_Who he was._

“So then he began mouth fucking me, and I’m here, getting aroused but I’m not allowed to cum, because guess what?!” 

“He puts a fucking dick cage on me! Those seven layer cockrings! And he did bondage, what a kinky fucker...”

“I still remember his lips on my neck, how hard he bit me...” Connor trails his fingers on a particular spot of his neck, fondly, happily at the thought.

“ _How hard I came._ ” He mewls in front of the camera, moaning, before kicking back his chair and pulling out his box of toys.

“So which one should it be today?” He shows the camera screen all the goodies inside, awaiting for the highest donation, with a large perverse smile.

Then a comment catches his eye.

“You’re in college right?”

He sighs before answering the question with a sweet smile.

“To tightassbabesreed, oh my highest donator last time! I’m in college.” Connor speaks, fishing out a toy as the highest donator paid him.

Gavin, again.

Connor grimaces slightly, an uneasy feeling settling throughout his stomach. 

“So what should it be for today, babe?”

* * *

 

_He’s devastated._

_He had everything._

_He lost everything_

* * *

 

_“It’s getting worse.”_

“What do you mean?”

_“I’ve been harming myself. I’ve been doing whatever to get my mind off of it.”_

“Connor, please confide in me. I’m worried for your health as much as anyone else.”

_“I want to... join them.”_

“Suicide isn’t the answer, Connor.”

_“I love them... so much.”_

“Connor, please stop crying... and take your medicine, it will help make these feelings subside.”

_“The medicine makes me sick, I’m starting to forget their faces and voices.”_

“It’s okay, calm down...”

_“I can’t calm down when I’m having nightmares, they’re asking me to save them! Help them! And I can’t!”_

“Connor, please remain calm. Do we need to start a different type of therapy or get you under the hospital’s watch?”

_“No... of course not...”_

“Then let’s keep it like that.”

* * *

 

“You fucking dumbass!” She screams in his face as his eyelids fluttered open, the hospital room greeting him.

“What the hell were you thinking?” North gestures towards his arms and he smiles, bittersweetly, sadly.

“I wanted to join mama and papa. It looks like I failed."

“Connor... oh my god, you scared me.... you scared me so bad. I love you so much, please don’t ever do this again.” she glances at his bandages wrists, tears trickling down her face, just happy to see her best friend again.

“... I can’t promise anything.” he doesn’t bother comforting her, more rather so, he just gives up, looking at the bandages hiding the deep wounds afflicted in his wrist.

“Please.” North speaks, her tears dripping onto Connor’s bedsheets, and she sniffles back.

_Connor feels bad._

_For making her worry._

“What happened?” He asks, his body sore as he glances at the IV tube hooked up to him and he groans, irritation coursing through him, remembering how he had looked.

“Our friend group, you know, the whole Jerichoes gang, we had been planning to have a surprise barge into your home. But... oh my god, Connor, I went in first... you know since you had given me a house key.” her voice is shaky, she tenses up, remembering the vivid memory of Connor, hunched over a bath tub, blood dripping down his wrists, barely conscious.

**A lot.**

**So much blood.**

“Do they know?” that’s Connor’s only concern, his voice monotone as he spoke and North nods her head.

He’s scared of being judged, pitied and alone.

“They had to! I was panicking so badly, I almost had an attack, I was so fucking scared of losing you, Connor.” she cries, and cries harder, holding his hands in hers, clenching them tightly.

“I’m sorry, North.” Connor’s voice is hoarse as he speaks these words, the remorse and guilt overwhelming him harder, taking control over his mind.

“You know we’re here for you. _Never forget that_.” North says, and Connor smiles, faintly, pain and discomfort as he shifted.

“I love you, North.” he speaks this, sweetly and North smiles back, clenching his hands as she speaks these words.

_**“I love you too.”** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry
> 
> kudos and comments are appreciated.


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